My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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