I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
