he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
