Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
