Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
