i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
