Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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