New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
