i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
