I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
