I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My balls are so social today.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
