Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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