I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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