Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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