puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
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at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
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Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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