I think I just saw someone hide a body.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
