One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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