Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
