using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Randomize
