I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
