We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i think my cat just said my name.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
