Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
