I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
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So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
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Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
He did a backflip because drugs
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