Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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