Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
