So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
