Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
