I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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