Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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