I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
