You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
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Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize