Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
