Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
