so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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