I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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