haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
