I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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