I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
