The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
