I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
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