I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
