you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
