I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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