Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
