I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
