No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
