He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
