I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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