soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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