Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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