I am puke
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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