Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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