i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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