Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
