She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We left the knife in your bed.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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