Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
