At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
