By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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