I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
